Lock's rant
by WhirlOfDestruction
Summary: After looking at several of the fanfictions of 'nightmare before christmas', Lock has decided he has something to say about it.
1. rant 1

Lock's rant

_(I in no way own Tim Burton a nightmare before Christmas)_

_Please take note this is not a serious fanfic, but rather me speaking through Lock's mouth._

Lock: Hey!

_Sorry. _

Ok losers, so I recently nicked Jack and Sally's computer (they do have one you know. They may be holiday folk but they've gotta keep up with the times) and I saw what you morons have dared to put on the internet. How could you? You think you're so cool, sitting there with your Microsoft word typing endless crap about me and Shock. I mean, SHOCK? REALLY? I seriously doubt that. Not only am I in the body of a six-year-old, if that doesn't scream 'TOO YOUNG' loud enough, but of all the damn people in the world, you put me with _her_. Some think she's my sister, some think she's just my friend (I use the term loosely) but I tell you, whatever relation she has to me, I would never go out with her. I mean, she's bossy, she's ugly, and I don't like her. Some claim I get 'Hard' over her (whatever that means) but let me tell you, she is honestly one of the most disgusting people I've ever had the misfortune to meet. Not only are her teeth horribly mangled, but her nose is so big it could pass for another country. Her 'simpering sweet voice' is also screechy and annoying (trust me; I've had to listen to it for goodness knows how long). A few have also written stories about a relationship between me and a certain Barrel. Whilst I don't think I have anything against gays or Barrel, I'm not sure he's the right person I would go for. Apart from being dumber than a box of rocks, I don't think I could get him away from his lollipop. I mean, that is a pairing that is actually realistic. There are also tales stating when we have all grown up. Those are not that bad, especially as all of them describe me as 'Hot' or 'sexy'. But about 99.99% of those also feature a Shock pairing, which, as I have already said, is NOT COOL! But anyway, never mind. I'll be busy eating candy if anybody wants to bother me with their opinion of why we are the perfect couple. G'night losers!


	2. Rant 2

Lock's rant part two 

(Well, I needed to expand on this. SubukuNoJess suggested I write them for other characters- and of course, I _gotta_ :D that is an awesome idea, but Lock is my favourite of the trio, and I like writing how he would talk, [i.e. very insulting} so I'm gonna continue with what he thinks of the others)

…And DO NOT get me started on the rest of the whole dumb town. I mean, they're meant to be scary, petrifying Halloween folk, but they're all as soft as a damn fluffy pillow. Especially Jack and his pet mayor. The mayor actually was crying when he thought jack was dead. He was crying on BOTH sides of his face, and I didn't think that possible, what with one being happy and all. He always stalks him too. Maybe he's in love with Jack? Well, if he is, he's going to have to fight the rest of the obsessed fangirls. Though that's not hard, the Halloween girls are all ugly (Shock included. Definitely Shock included) so the mayor, having two faces to choose from, would probably be the better option. I reckon my crowd were the baddest in town. We probably didn't do a pinch of what we were really capable of. We have stopped short of homicide though, because then there are too many witnesses and Jack gets cross. Usually he gives us 'one last warning' because he's a sucker, but I'd hate to think what he would do if he actually banished us completely. Actually wait, no, we are sort of banished already. Well, we are feared (in your face!) and we are not welcomed. Who cares? We make mischief day and night, our work is never done. But if Jack forced us to live in Oogie's casino, then we'd be dead in about a day. Maybe Barrel would fall victim to him first. Yeah, Barrel can do that. The only thing that stopped him in the past from eating us is the fact we feed him. If we went to live with him there, then that safety card would be swiped quicker than a lollipop from Barrel's hand.

I don't think Oogie likes us. We don't really like him either, what with the whole I-would-eat-you-if-you-didn't-feed-me-otherwise. If he was mayor/ pumpkin king then I reckon he'd keep us. In fact, he'd let us get away with goddam anything. We could do any prank we wanted! I guess I kind of respect him, 'cos he's so fat and awesome, but still, I wouldn't him alone. (Wow. That makes him sound paedophilic) He can be really funny, especially when he almost murdered Sandy and Sally. But he is really scary. His laugh is terrifying, the kind that you want to hide away from.

Sally? We don't really have any preference. If she was stupid enough to wander into Oogie's den and attempt to seduce him (Maybe I'll push Shock in there one day and see if Oogie REALLY has a good reason for keeping children as his henchmen) then that explains her brain power. Oh, and I heard she fancies Jack. Yet again another screechy fangirl to chase him (that would serve him right.) Otherwise, she's just a stupid doll. We attack dolls with burning torches and knives. I got Barrel one for Christmas once (Christmas is lame, but presents are alright) and he almost cried because it wasn't a lollipop. Shock gave me a toy car. It was meant to be an insult, since only mortals' play with cars, but I was fascinated by it, and spent the next half an hour driving it and flipping it between swords and machetes, pretending the car was an AWESOME STUNTMAN SPY WHO JUUUUSSTT FLIPPED OVER THE CAVERN OF DOOOM! Then sadly Shock knocked my hand over and it fell onto one of the machetes, and started to bleed. Barrel and Shock found that pretty funny. But the jokes on her, 'cos I put worms in her bed. After I had fought her of course.

Sandy was funny. He would've made a great meal. After watching Oogie Boogie for countless days, the whole idea of eating other people seems kind of appealing (it kinda rubs off on you.) So does the prospect of eating bugs (think snake and spider stew) but we prefer candy. Sadly I can't eat people because of my size. I'd cut them up first probably. But Sandy, he'd be like flesh-and-candy buffet, what with all the cookies I heard he eats. (Seriously? EVERY house gives some to him? No wonder he's so fat) So he'd be tasty. But Oogie kinda had dibs on him, and plus, I'd rather be rewarded. Snake and spider stew is the best thing ever. The whole kidnapping thing was cool too.

Now, who else have I forgotten to insult? I guess Jack himself. He's complex. I don't really understand him. He's meant to be the pumpkin king, yet he goes and discovers Christmas. Why? Was he unhappy with Halloween? Frankly, I don't know why you'd be unhappy with it. We all help with the planning in some way…well, not really. We just go into town and stand there, and wait for an opportunity. The looks we get are priceless, especially since our bathtub has a habit of kicking people out of the way. Jack is frightening. I said he's a softie at the start, but he isn't the pumpkin king for nothing. I still don't like him. We love to prank him, and lie to him, blah blah blah but we're not friendly.


End file.
